Oshrimpics is the official Shrimp Chips Olympic coverage. Most, but not all, of any given day’s coverage will be of events that actually occurred that day. Coverage of Days 1-7 (Friday July 23-Thursday July 29, 2021) are compilations of commentary originally made on those days, reported here after the fact.

Day 1: Friday, July 23, 2021: Opening Ceremony

hot andro boxer opens ceremony by jogging on treadmill and looking hot:

hot andro boxer is Arisa Tsubata. Tsubata is also a nurse and also, as we see here, an actor who is Telling A Story about the lonely, stop-and-go nature of dealing with a delayed Olympics and training in the pandemic. end me now:

these baddies are all virgos, i can tell, because in each of those rolled-up blueprints is a plan with many precise details about the thing they are about to build:

ayabambi!! cool to see them together again:

this hair validates me:

ok, so they are having one person representing 1-2 continents (which…ok) sing the popular world peace song seeded by Yoko Ono and popularized by John Lennon, “Imagine.” for Africa, they had Angelique Kidjo, which i get. and for The Americas (North and South), they had John Legend, which i don’t love, but he’s a safe, family-friendly guy, so i get. but for Oceania…for Oceania?….. they had this fool:

Keith Urban??? E–and i cannot emphasize this enough–W. they should’ve just had Yoko do the whole thing instead.

did you know there are 5 jillion (aka 50) pictograms, one for each sport in the Olympics, and actually, at the Tokyo Olympics this year, they debuted a new sport during the opening ceremony called “The Pictoglympics” in which a team of athletes with balls for heads run through each of the 5 jillion pictograms in record time? shit is fire!!:

torch time! very moving to see Japanese baseball vet Shigeo Nagashima accompanied by two other Japanese baseball icons, carrying the torch. while i don’t follow baseball, i do know that it was popularized in Japan by American English teachers and missionaries, that baseball was a lifeline for a lot of Japanese Americans forced into American internment camps during WWII, and that it’s been used as a tool of US-Japanese diplomacy over the years:

AND THE TORCH LIGHTER IS……NAOMI OSAKA:

and that concludes Day 1. there were sports that happened as well, but remember: i am not The New York Times. additionally, you will notice that i skipped over the parade of nations. that is correct. join me tomorrow for more coverage of the 2020 Tokyo Oshrimpics.